Russian Roulette
by Livandra
Summary: I failed again to stop these thoughts. Won't it be nice to feel the cold steel against my head right now? The smell of gunpowder the last thing I'll remember before I die? The blood slowly streaming down my face in peaceful remedy?
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey guys! Just a short story that was stuck in my head. So I decided to let you guys read it. Any requests and reviews welcome. Thanks.**_

I failed again to stop these thoughts.

Won't it be nice to feel the cold steel against my head right now? The smell of gunpowder the last thing I'll remember before I die? The blood slowly streaming down my face in peaceful remedy?

Oh I so want a revolver right now, I want to caress it, softly sing songs to it, then ever so slightly pull the trigger. Depths of depression is lingering in my mortal being. Death is the answer, no one would actually be too much full of remorse. Yeah, shocked at first, then they will be sad, but then get on with their lives. That's the circle of life.

Oh the touch of death is playing with me, I truly wish to die. The murmur of my dying soul cries out to me, if alive I'll be able to see the disappointment in my parents eyes as I get back into rehab, the un-touching sympathy and empathy of friends. I'm better off dead than to face that.

Oh where can I find a beautiful gun? For if I die, I want something beautiful to kill me. I want to die with a peaceful, sad smile, looking down at the pretty thing that set me free.

Oh, how I would love to play with death, Russian Roulette till the bullet shoots me in the head. Oh... Won't it be nice to die like that? And in the background you hear a song of Roxette, in my mind the everlasting melody of my very own Russian Roulette.

"Maka get out of the bathroom already, will ya?!"

I slowly walk out of the bathroom as Soul rushes in. It's just another day of failure for me. Another day when I can't kill myself, another day when I face my thoughts in my everlasting suicidal Russian Roulette.

If only Soul can see my pain and get me out of this game, a known game that we both played...

I'm in Russian Roulette...


	2. Chapter 2

**_Hi guys… so this was supposed to be a one-shot thing, but you asked for more, so here you are. I have no idea what I want to do further so let your requests storm in… _**

**_Thanks to the Olivia who gave me a review and 15 fallen angel who followed and favorite this story and gave a review. _**

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

Chapter two:

I'm in Russian Roulette…

We play songs within our head…

_La…lalala…la…_

_Hush, hush little girl, don't say a word _

_Papa's busy dying over a mockingbird_

_ because that mockingbird won't sing_

_ and Papa won't buy you a diamond ring _

_You're dancing in your father's blood _

_you ain't the sweetest girl in town anymore _

_and your horse and cart falls down…_

_La…lalala…la…_

_Ring around the rosies_

_ pockets full of posies _

_ashes ashes_

_ we all fall down_

_ Ring around the rosies_

_ friends full of posies_

_ ashes ashes_

_ the orphanage falls down_

_La…lalala…la…_

The world is in dancing red, the earth's touch is ashes. Under the earth's ashes the cold steel of guns blinking silver covered with dripping wet rose petals crying out to be used. Sitting in the ground covered with the ashes of earth clothed in a red dress, I'm trembling as the looking glass in my hand softly but painfully cuts deep in my skin. Excitement of my little game pulling me more into this suicidal madness.

I'm not sure if I can be saved this time…

But I like the thought of it…

Not being saved…


	3. Chapter 3

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_Hi guys… I'm back with another chapter. Thanks for reading. Thanks Phychochiken for the review, glad you liked it. So this is chapter three. I'll be explaining the suicidal Russian Roulette with madness game in this chapter. Maka is in her own game of Russian Roulette, the rules and works of this Russian Roulette is different than the original. This chapter is also very short, because Maka is only explaining shortly the game. Please do not play Russian Roulette, this version or any other version. You can and will probably die. Just saying_****_J …Enjoy! Please review._**

Chapter three:

As both my arms is pouring out with red liquid known as blood from the cuts I made, I feel ready. My body is still trembling with excitement but I am now calmer from deep inside. I am ready. The _La…lalala…la… _of children's voices is still playing softly in the background. I'm ready.

I've placed all my senses around and I'm not engulfed in madness. I'm part of madness. Like a game. When you know your surroundings, you become part of the game. The only difference is I'm literally in my game of Russian Roulette.

The game of playfully cheating charades until the shots is down to one bullet. This game of Russian Roulette is different, because I'm different and alone. I do not need Soul anymore to satisfy my needs for the perfect Russian Roulette, for I am in my very own Russian Roulette.

From this suicidal madness game I need to go through all the guns until I find the one with one bullet. All the others is empty. I may not cheat and look in the holster, for what is thrilling about that? I need to play Russian Roulette. Count every bullet hole before my decided fate. Click-Click-Click until my gun with one bullet appears and death welcomes me. If I hear my first Click-, with my first shot, I cheated death. If I live through a gun, Click-Click-Click-Click-Click-Click, I cheated death six times.

I am ready now…

I know I can…

I have the cuts to show it…

Let's play…


	4. Chapter 4

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_Thanks for all the reviews and following and favoring for this story. You guys make me feel so happy. I hope you guys like this… _**

Chapter four:

I gracefully bury my hand in the earth's ashes softly, seeking out a gun. My fingers tingle as I grip the gun. I see the silver glittering as I remove the gun from the earth's ashes. Beautiful and graciously the gun stares at me. Engravings of the most beautiful art displays in the form of this gun.

Treat a gun elegantly and it will treat you the same way. The rough smooth edges of the gun impose perfection. A love affair for those to host blissfully. The gun is now dripping with blood as I touched it. The gun's blood is getting smeared as I try to clean it off. Forgetting I'm the hostess of the blood, bringing forth more blood. I stop and look at the gun. Colorful in red, as if it's already been used.

I sigh. It is time…

The gun slowly moves to my head. My heart and mind calm, but my hands and fingers shake severely. I care not. I close my eyes as my finger glides to the trigger, I breathe in as I silently pull the trigger…

Click…

I breathe out the oxygen I collected. My gun already left the side of my head and is hanging loose to the right side of my body.

I silently grin at my accomplishment. I cheated death once again. I feel my blood had stopped flowing. It's only now this little squeeze of blood that slowly and daringly comes out. I feel my arms are a little sticky.

I do not care.

I pull the gun closer to my head. I start to feel dizzy, everything is blurry. I feel how I am losing my touch with madness, as I grow weaker and then…

Darkness overwhelms me…

I'm back to my mind…

A saint of a mind…


	5. Chapter 5

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_Thanks for reading. Things will be getting complicated from this moment on. If you have any questions, I'll answer them. Please read and review._**

Chapter five:

I'm in the warm embrace of darkness. My mind is still lingering with images suggesting suicidal madness. Though my body is out cold, barely living, my mind is working in over-drive, as if it's the only thing that keeps me alive. I think about the past…

About death…

About Russian Roulette…

About…

Madness …

*The state of being mentally ill, esp. severely.

That's the sickness I presumably had. I had overcome madness. I couldn't believe it, for I didn't know it was cure able. What I didn't know depression is my path way back to madness, back to my suicidal behavior. Just one bad day turned to an over lapse of my discretion not to think of my past.

My cover-up is gone. I'm intrigued and swallowed in this hole of blood and darkness, where I feel at home. I do not feel cold, I do not feel warm, I just feel normal…

As if this is a normal day, or rather way of life for me. A day or way when nothing else matters, but just being able to breathe is a godsend from above. I live in this madness, I feel as if I belong here. It's almost as if I want to scream out to the world that this place is my kin, where I was born, where I am supposed to live.

Can't they get it? Since I was pulled into my first experience with madness I was curious, later on it was just a horror-face. The more I was dropped deeper in depression, more had my suicidal behavior increased, more my madness increased.

After six months in rehab, because I almost plead suicide and Soul joined me to save me, I thought I was free. Free of this feelings. It's now three months since I got out of rehab yet, here I am, back where all this started.

Though this time, I'm enjoying it. I love it. I don't care anymore. I just want to spill blood, laugh, and make blood-angels while nobody is watching.

If I am like this, everyone wants to interfere if they see me. I don't want that anymore. I just want to have fun, even if it kills me. What is so important to life anyway? If I die early or young, it won't make a difference, I'll die anyway.

The only thing we as human beings knew from the beginning- one day we will face death. It was just a matter of time. It didn't matter when or how it was just supposed to happen, all a person knew is that it will.

I do not fear death anymore…

I welcome it…


	6. Chapter 6

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_Soul's POV over here. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Also Marshall Lee fan XD,_** **_15 fallen angel, Psychochiken thanks for the reviews. Please read and review. _**

Chapter six:

Soul looks at the delivery pizza boxes. He knew Maka was depressed lately and nothing could cheer her up, not even Blair. Though tonight was just the two of them. Alone. He need this night. This is the night he would tell her how he felt. Tonight.

He slowly walks to her room. He hears nothing, not any pages turning, no voices, no music. Strange, he thought. The last time her room was so quiet was… He discredited the idea straight away. She wouldn't.

"Maka?" he asks.

No answer.

He slowly opens the door, only finding her on the floor, in a pool of blood and a kitchen knife in her hand.

"Maka! Not again!" he shouts at her urgently.

He first wanted to go towards her first but realized it would be better if he call the ambulance at once. He calls them hastily and goes back to Maka.

He sits next to her. She looks so fragile, hurt, and sad that Soul feels his heart cringe. Why did she do this? He actually knew the answer, but he didn't want to say it. She gave up, on him, her friends, her family. Maka the one with courage gave up.

"Maka, don't worry about it, okay, just, just don't give up on me…" Soul says as the pain in his heart is much like the pain he suffered when Crona had cut him.

Then he hears the doorbell, he run to the front door and opens up, four men comes in with a stretcher, he shows them where Maka is and they place her on the stretcher and puts her in the ambulance, he climb in and we rush to the hospitable. The ambulance rattles on the way to the hospitable and the men gave her more blood.

As they arrive at the hospitable, he sees her head moves with the stretcher. They place her in a room and nobody even notice Soul as he just stands there.

"Maka, please, don't die on me!" Soul calls out to her.

The doctors and nurses hurriedly talks and he could only hear a few things.

"Her blood pressure is very low; if we give too much blood she can get a seizure…"

"We can't be too sure that will happen…"

"Her blood loss is the important thing right now.

They pump new blood in her, slowly and longingly the blood sack stands there.

"Nothing happens…"

"Her heart rate is going very fast right now…"

"Do you think it is because of the blood? Sister…"

"No, it's not that…"

Beep…

The doctors give her electrical shocks.

Beep…Beep… Beep…

"Nooo! Maka! Don't, I love you!" Soul shouts running closer to her.

One of the doctors seizes him, "We are doing everything we can Sir…"

The clock struck twelve…

A new day…

A new life…

**_Oh and anything said here is pure fiction, I don't even know if you can have a seizure over too much blood. Just saying. Hope you guys liked it._**


	7. Chapter 7

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_Oh my gosh! You guys make me blush! XD! But I love you for it! Thanks for all the reviews! I'm so glad you guys like this, at least I know I'm getting somewhere. Special thanks for 15 fallen angel, Leader Sheperd, Marshall Lee Fan XD, Psychochicken for the reviews. Let's move on. Maka's POV. Sorry guys but this chapter is rated T for language. Maka is a teenager, it only makes sense that she can swear out of anger._**

Chapter seven:

_"Maka?"_

Soul?

_"Maka! Not again!" Soul's voice shouts and she hear him running down the hallway._

No, Soul. I just want to give up. Leave me alone. I want to be alone. Don't call the ambulance. Tears start rolling down my cheeks. I hate life, don't you get it Soul? I have no wish to live another day.

_"Maka, don't worry about it, okay, just, just don't give up on me…"_

His voice trembles in my wake of darkness. I feel my body being lift up, I'm in the air, then down again, my feet touch the world of ashes again. My body rattles and then I am lift up again, again in the air, then down again, sitting in the ashes. My head shakes a little, or so it feels.

_"Maka, please, don't die on me!"_

Stop shouting Soul.

Then my mind is pulled to the realization that I'm back with madness. The red gloom of dark ashes, red roses and silver guns evolves me. Dancing puppets of broken glass and porcelain is everywhere. Red blood drips from the scars in the ceiling from my mad box.

I look around and see my mad box isn't a box, but rather a time glass, the cracks is only a small opening for blood to flow out, till my time is up. I have 60 seconds, 60 seconds to make up my mind. The blood is already up to my knees.

I instantly grab a gun. Then I very hastily take the shot. My eyes closed and tears rolling down my cheeks.

_Click…_

Again.

_Click…_

Nothing.

_Click…_

No.

_Click…_

Why not?

_Click…_

Come on.

_Click…_

Fuck this shit!

I shout at myself. The blood almost till my shoulders. I swim in the blood and grab another gun.

Please…

Right now…

Before Soul calls out again…

I hurriedly pull the gun to my head and not even blinking I take the shot.

Beep…

BANG!

Beep… Beep… Beep…

My body slowly sinks in the blood.

I'm dead.

_"Nooo! Maka! Don't, I love you!" _

Soul's voice echoes in my head.

I love you too.

Beeeeeeeep…


	8. Chapter 8

**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SOUL EATER_**

**_This is the last chapter. I'm quite sad that it has come down to this and that this will be the end. I would also like to thank all of you, my readers, for making every moment of working on this story worth it! Thank you for all the reviews, making an effort to post a review, I appreciate every single small effort, if it was a review or just following this story or put this story as one of your favorite stories, thank you. You guys made me happy on a sad day, you guys made me smile. This is my proudest work of all, just because you guys enjoyed it as much as I was enjoying writing this story. I will miss you guys and I hope you guys enjoy the last chapter. Soul's POV. Oh yeah, R&R!_**

Chapter eight:

Maka…

I can't even start this letter with Dear because you are gone. How can you be my dear, darling, sweet heart, baby? You can't because you are gone. Gone without me, without saying goodbye, without a letter. You just died. I walked hours and hours in your room looking for a letter, note, anything. I found nothing.

I have checked my emails ten times, asked all of our friends if they received anything. Nothing. Why didn't you leave me something to hold close, leave my heart a little bit in peace? If I would've pleaded suicide, or rather gave up, I would write a letter to you saying my reasons, though one of them would be that I love you too much.

I even considered suicide myself, let the darkness of depression kill me, then I realized that it isn't something I would have wanted for you, but I also realized that suicide is only left with regret. If only you coped another day Maka, we could have been together. You could have been happy.

There is so much things in this world yet to discover Maka… Why did you kill yourself? I've had so many dreams and hopes and it all involved you. I don't have a heart anymore Maka… It died with you. Didn't I promise you, Maka, that I won't leave your side? Yet you left mine.

Remember how you've always wanted to go to Europe? All the museums and historical sites? I would've taken you there, well, I've always hoped to take you there for our honeymoon, if you would say yes, of course.

If only I could turn back time, telling my feelings for you sooner, actually be uncool and kiss your holy lips. Be the man you could live for, but I am fooling myself, ain't I Maka? I am not good enough for you, I never was.

So many unanswered questions Maka.

Just like this letter.

All my hopes and dreams, unanswered.

Buried with your grave.

This letter will also be buried with you, for my last words to you will and can only be found with you.

Just like my heart.

Soul

**_The end. This was a fun ride, I didn't even think I will get so many reviews so thanks for all the reviews and everything. Even though I would like to know what you guys think of the last chapter so don't stop with the reviews okay._****_ So this is goodbye for Russian Roulette, the madness has come to an end. If it so happens I write another weird, dark, full of madness story I will let you guys know. Goodbye… my fellow readers…_****_ I will miss every single one of you. And once again: Thank you!_**


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